Project+1


 * Improving Our Nation's Public School Systems**

//It is often said that// the United States needs to revamp our education system. But what I have always wondered about that statement was what exactly do people mean when they say this? There is no question in the fact that our public education system is in critical condition, but who is responsible to take the initiative to fix it is not so crystal clear. I personally think that this responsibility is in the hands of our government. There are many different aspects of our education system that I feel need to be changed in order for there to be any progress toward a brighter future. The government needs to stop cutting our education budget, provide ways for everyone to have an equal chance at continuing on to higher education, lower the cost to attend college, and provide resources to teachers that will enable them to help our children succeed. //You could use semicolons for all of these; that one semi-colon looks kinda lonely.//

For some reason our states' governments feel the need to cut our education budgets. In 2009, about 20 states applied cuts to K-12 education (cbpp.org). Also in 2009, at least 28 states made cuts to public colleges and universities or raised tuition to make up for insufficient funding. The consequences in doing this means that important programs are being cut from schools. In my experience, sports teams are one of the first things to go to save money. Programs like afterschool tutoring are also being cut and that will have lasting effects on the students who rely on that free tutoring. Personally, I think that if we want our education system back on track, then what we need is to add more extracurricular activities like tutoring and sports so that we can have well rounded students instead of giving them the bare minimum of classes. All of the states need to work out a plan that will pour money into our education budget instead of taking money out. //Agreed. But what about the income gap between high income and low income districts?//

Everybody who wants to continue on with their education should have the opportunity to do so. //One implication of this// idea //is that// low income families do not have the adequate finances to allow their children to do this. In my opinion, I believe that every state should offer more financial support to those who need it. It has been my experience that the financial aid office doesn’t get an accurate view of who actually needs funds and who doesn’t. I say this because to the financial aid office it looks like I don’t need help paying for college because they think my parents make enough money to help me. In actuality, my parents have all kinds of bills that they need that money for so they can’t afford to help me with my college expenses. This means that I have to take out large sums in student loans just so that I can get an education. Collecting a great amount of debt is not what I had in mind when deciding to go to college. //In my experience, it's the federal rule that defines youth as dependents until they're 24, with only two exceptions. IMHO, that's the rule that needs to be changed to make financial aid more equitable.//

Making higher education more affordable is one of the ways to help improve our system. According to surveys done by the College Board, the average cost per year to attend a public four-year university is $7,605 (Collegeboard.com). I pay over $1,000 more than that to attend Washington State University. To attend a public two-year college the average cost is $2,713 per year (Collegeboard.com). If you go to school out of state, then you will pay almost twice as much as the regular amount. I feel that if getting a higher education was cheaper th**e**n more people would have the opportunity to continue their education. Many students, including myself, would be able to connect to this issue on a more personal level due to the fact that we have to take out lots and lots of loans to pay for our education. //Avoid second person.//

An article in The New York Times called “Five Ways to Fix America’s Schools” talks about different strategies to improve our education system. The author, Harold O. Levy who was the New York City schools chancellor, states five points that could help put our education back on track. To summarize his five points, he says to make children stay in school until their 19 instead of 16 so that they will get one year of post-secondary education that was paid for by the state, use high pressure tactics to get rid of truancy, advertise aggressively to not only high school students but also to adults, unseal college accreditation reports so that students find out everything they need to know before making the big decision of where to go, and last but not least parents need to make sure that their kids are getting an appropriate education that is suitable for them to pursue the option of post-secondary education (nytimes.com). //On one hand, I agree with Levy// that something needs to be done to keep kids in school longer. //But on the other hand, I think// that putting that kind of regulation on children may not make the dropout rates any better.

One of the most important aspects of our children’s education is their teachers. I believe that in our society our teachers are way undervalued. //Certainly true in Wisconsin and on Fox News.// I don’t think that people realize what teachers have to go through on a daily basis. Teachers definitely need to be paid more than they do right now. We need to make it a goal to hire more teachers instead of laying them off by the dozens. It doesn’t do our children any good if they are in a classroom where they aren’t able to get individual attention. Also, teachers should receive a classroom budget where they are able to provide certain things in the classroom for the students to use. In the kindergarten classroom that I volunteered in, the teacher had to use her money to buy supplies for the class like crayons and markers. I think this is unacceptable. We need to provide our country’s teachers with the best supplies we can give them so that they can give our children a proper education.

The government really needs to step up and take action to stop the budget cuts, make post-secondary education more attainable to everybody, and to provide our teachers with the resources they need. A proper education is super important and I just don’t understand how our country can put the problem with education on the back burner. I honestly believe that if these necessary steps were taken that we could dramatically improve the way our school systems work. I have confidence in the fact that we will again soon be making little child prodigies all over the country.

//Good essay. I think you could strengthen it by making it clearer whether you are focusing on K-12 education or post-secondary education--you start with one and drift into the other. Furthermore, I think you could integrate more support into your essay, including a naysayer. Overall, good work.//

__Sawyer Werner__ Assignment: 1. The paper fits into the requirement of the genre 2. The language of the paper fits to that of the editorial genre 3. The paper meets the requirements of the assignment Focus: 1. Add a title to your paper to the reader an idea what it is about before they start reading it 2. The paper has a good focus and stays on topic 3. You can tell that the paper has a very clear purpose from how you support the topic Organization: 1. There is a recognizable intro, body, and conclusion to the paper 2. All of the paragraphs stay focuses on one idea 3. The intro does a really good job of telling you what the paper is about Support: 1. The sources are relevant to the different passages 2. The sources used help to support the topic 3. The in text citations need to have either a page number or a year Proofreading: 1. There seems to be some awkward phrasing 2. The spelling and grammar Overall you have a solid start on your paper.

Andrew Tierney Review

Assignment + This paper accurately met the project requirements and was also very interesting to read +Very well written, two ideas for things to talk about are how private schools are for the wealthy a way to bypass the public school systems and avoid the issue entirely. Until someone stands up for the middle and lower class Americans the school systems will continue to deteriorate. Then also what is being done right now to help insure our generations future, maybe mention how Asia is producing extremely intelligent individuals but also they have the highest suicide rates in the world. Focus +The paper stays on topic and continues to take apart the issue of public education at many different levels. +Very good thesis I thought, it grabbed my attention from the beginning and kept me intrigued till the conclusion. Maybe use another word other than “there” for the start of two sentences in the opening paragraph. +The paper’s purpose was clearly stated in the essay. Factual as well as personal experiences with the education really helped with this topic as well. Many people believe that financial aid gets the job done but it clearly does not. Organization +The intro, body, and conclusion go very well together and are easy to read +Paragraphs flow nicely from one to the next and there was no sudden gap in the topic. Each paragraph smoothly went into the next +The conclusion wraps up the essay and also recommends what needs to be done to fix this deteriorating problem Support +Appeals to authority are made that question what our government is doing to address this problem. Maybe you could bring in a quote that talks about what the gov is trying to do to fix this problem. And also how America will continue to stay on top with the rest of the world making its way to the top as well. +The wide variety of sources that were used really help strengthen your paper and give it strong ethos. Proofreading -Maybe switch up your word choice for a couple of the opening sentences but overall I really couldn’t find any other issues with your paper grammatically. Everything read smoothly and there were no logical gaps with your paper. In the second paragraph you kind of contradict yourself by saying that sports teams should be cut and then in the next sentence saying that schools need more activities such as sports.

Assignment: Focus: Organization: Support: Proofreading: overall I think you did really good on this assignment, I agree with the financial aid not being given to all the right people, keep up your dedication to school though! It'll be worth the debt you have now someday when youre out of it! (:
 * __Alyssa Pavel__**
 * topic fit perfect with assignment and is formatted really well
 * I thought your language was great and easy to follow but also was clear as a college level essay
 * your point is obviously addressed and your arguments are supported very well
 * You did a great job staying on subject, I read straight through with out feeling confused at all
 * your thesis is right to the point and easy to find
 * Paragraphs dont drag on, they are nicely put together and well thought out
 * I like that your conclusion includes an echo, it sums up the paper without adding any new information which is perfect !
 * double check that you are ending with your strongest argument
 * you are very opinionated because your experience with your topic but you support your argument with plenty of other sources that your paper has just the right amount of credibility
 * Im not sure if when citing an online source you arent still supposed to include the authors last name and date published.. check with Deome
 * each argument seems relevant so good job finding them I feel well convinced something needs to be done
 * spelling seems good
 * sentences all seem to make sense
 * here's one line I found going through that isn't quite right- "Teachers definitely need to be paid more than they do right now"- change the do to are and youre golden!
 * You seemed to have done a proof read yourself already so by the next draft your essay will be flawless (: